Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wonder how long i'll have to stay in Bed before the Bed Bugs eat away at all my fat, saves me going on a diet

   Alcohol is an Anti-inflammatory & raises good HDL Cholesterol, which helps ward off Dementia.

   One of the best feelings in the world is waking up to your room feeling like it's Alaska and you're under 8 layers of blanket.

   Wonders what the 1st person that ate a pineapple was thinking... Hmmm that's a funny looking thing, I believe I'll eat it.

   Alcohol is an Anti-inflammatory & raises good HDL Cholesterol, which helps ward off Dementia....

   IRONY,too much Alcohol on a night out causes the loss of the ability to remember, think & reason....

   Love is standing on wet cement. The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave and you can never let go without leaving your footprints.

   Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.

   Winter: It's like the crazy murderer in a horror movie. Just when you think it's dead, it strikes one last time.

   Jennifer Aniston has the emotional range of the volleyball in "Cast Away" & the comedic timing of a syphilis outbreak.

   surrounded by askholes today... yes, "askholes" as in people who constantly ask you stupid questions.

   : Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, cause I'm the baddest SOB in the valley!

   People better watch their P's & Q's before I start handing out F's and U's...

   Do you know how much a polar bear weighs? Me neither..but it's a good way to break the ice!

   Have you ever eaten a Hot Dog backwards?

   wonders...if you were a hotdog, and you were starvin', would you eat yourself?

   When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, “Give me a table near a waiter.”

   Me have safe sex? You kiddin? My girlfriends idea of safe sex is locking the car doors..

   If you ever get caught sleeping on the job..... slowly raise your head and say "in Jesus name, amen".

   You know in the future its gonna be pretty common too say, "So grandma how many tattoos do you have?"