Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Neighbors just bough me a new Seiko , I think they misunderstood me when they asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said I wanna watch

   An expert is just someone who's 10,000 miles away from home.

   I always wondered what it would be like to work for an oil company. Now I know!

   Why do men get circumcised? Because women will GRAB anything with 20% off!! :))

   Why do women fart after they pee? They can't shake it so they blow it dry.

   sometimes I whistle while I work....but most of the time I facebook...

   If you're in a relationship for sex it's like buying an airplane for the peanuts.

   Loving the new democracy in the Arab world; just wish it wasn't so painful at the pump…

   People are not mirrors, They see you completely differently than the way you see yourself.

   Happy National Tortilla Chip Day, enjoy the Mexican that's in you....and mow my yard while your at it.

   If you were on fire and I had a beer in my hand, I would be warm, toasty, and drunk.....

   Never take a boat ride in shark-infested waters with a stranger who calls you Chum.

   “Maybe she's born with it. Maybe she's a monster wearing a crap ton of makeup.” -Maybelline

   Universal truth: You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

   “Until death do us part” means we're all single in heaven, right?

   Wow, just drove by the gas station and the guy changing prices has a chair camping out...no good can come of this!!

   After Watching Jersey Shore I wonder to myself is this all that MTV has Left???

   I bang my snooze button so often and hard it's probably pregnant...

   When I poke, I poke 2 fingers at a time, and I'm coming for your eyes!

   If I could slow down real life , like the fights scenes on a fighting movie . I would punch people more often .