Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who else finds it incredibly hot when your partner stays awake during sex?

   Seriously, if Liam Neeson was my dad I'd start so much crap with people...

   Anything that requires my presence before 4 pm on a weekend is an obligation, not recreation...

   No matter where I hide the chocolates, I always seem to find them.

   Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key

   Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and azzholes, and anybody else I left out.

   The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. Just great. If aliens ever attack, we've already surrendered.

   I'm glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."

   I must say my Facebook experience has been made exponentially better by the larger tool bar at the top, and the notifications icons moved from the left side to the right side of the screen!!

   That guy just told his girlfriend, "But, I didn't do anything."......Lmao...... He's young. He'll learn.

   The royal baby is a day old and is still more interesting than the Kardashian family, kanye west, and Lindsey Lohan combined

   It's hilarious when textbooks try too hard at being racially diverse. "Brad, Latisha, Pablo and Kwan were doing a math problem..."

   When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you've proven that you are not an idiot.

   Not gonna lie about the sexual tension between me and this double meat, bacon and extra cheese burger............. It is what it is.

   I may be on Santa's naughty list but at least I had fun getting there.

   Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my damn goals for the day.

   Accidentally hit the panic/alarm button on the car key and promptly panicked.......... So, it works.

   Life is all about A$$! You are either covering it! Kissing it! Busting it! Laughing it off! Trying to get a piece of it! ......Or you live with one!!!

   I decided to leave the paperboy a tip! I left some at the end of the driveway, in the bushes,by the sprinkler, everywhere but my at my front door!!!

   Wine is to women as duct tape is to men… it fixes everything.