Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In order to refrain from spending too much on Christmas, I'm voluntarily placing myself in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.

   Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.

   LIFE INSURANCE: a contract that keeps you poor so you can die rich

   Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy

   In the lives of our grandchildren and great grandchildren, OUR iphone and ipad will be THEIR rotary phone and notepad.

   You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called "going commando"? It seems to me it wouldn't be useful in a combat situation.

   Sometimes the dreams that come true are dreams you never even knew you had.

   By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.

   I appreciate the police escort, but shouldn't they be in front of me?

   concerned your choice in alcoholic beverages is now based on calorie count rather than intoxication efficiency

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content

   Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.

   A woman will always forgive & forget......But she'll never let you forget that she has forgiven & forgotten...

   Life would be easier if you could mark people as spam.

   Sometimes, when I feel optimistic about the future of mankind, I go read the comments on YouTube and it brings me right back to reality.

   All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

   The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

   I was late to work, and my boss told me I should've been at work by 8:30 this morning. I asked him "why? what happened then?"

   I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile... and how many times. ツ

   People are busting my balls because I still have a landline. I can't get rid of it though because it matches my abacus....