Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if gay guys make fun of each other when they do something "straight"

   3 dreams of a man: To be as handsome as his mother thinks.To be as rich as his child believes.To have as many women as his wife suspects

   Can't believe it's 2011 and I still can't serve my jail sentence online.

   Whenever I exit a public toilet... I make sweaty eye contact with the person waiting and say “Top that, cowboy.”

   At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture

   Your profile said you had a body like an amusement park, but when I met you it looked more like a trailer park. what gives?

   Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she'll be awake.

   every 5 seconds somewhere on Earth a woman gives birth to a baby. We must find her and stop her.

   Dear Eminem, Not only did you steal our name but we're both black on the inside too. Sincerly, M&M'S

   Dear Facebook...All we asked for was a Dislike button.. Not more options on how to stalk people!

   Woke up this morning and turned the T.V. on to find out I now have 3,000,000 channels! I'm not sure who put that satellite on my roof but thanks!

   Like sands through the hourglass, Facebook wastes the days of our lives.

   The thing that I miss the most about being young? Knowing everything.

   You want confessions? Lock a person in a room with a laptop, a Facebook account and a bottle of booze.

   The words "Haters" and "Swag" are overused by the people who have neither.

   Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

   The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.

   He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too.

   I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.

   Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.