Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do people re-post the same status? It wasn't funny 2 days ago. It's still not funny today

   I don't want to live forever. But if I found the Fountain of Youth, I'd definitely stick my balls in it.

   Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

   The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.

   I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.

   Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.

   Things that don't kill bees: 1: furnutire polish 2: Febreeze 3: butter 4: screeming

   I just want to be with someone who isn't crazy but unfortunately I'm only attracted to women.

   Day 10....I am thankful for Veterans......

   I'm old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.

   I'm sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.

   I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

   II have a strange feeling this year's "must have" Halloween costume will be a level 4 biohazard suit

   He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too.

   I wonder if gay guys make fun of each other when they do something "straight"

   3 dreams of a man: To be as handsome as his mother thinks.To be as rich as his child believes.To have as many women as his wife suspects

   Can't believe it's 2011 and I still can't serve my jail sentence online.

   Whenever I exit a public toilet... I make sweaty eye contact with the person waiting and say “Top that, cowboy.”

   At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture

   Your profile said you had a body like an amusement park, but when I met you it looked more like a trailer park. what gives?