Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people will "LIKE" whatever you post on your wall....and it's probably not because they like or understand it ... but it is because "YOU" posted it.

   Sometimes words are not enough. That's why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...

   If my job was to make health questionnaires, I'd slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"

   I hear Katy Perry hired Taylor Swift to write her a break-up song. Adele is producing...

   Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.

   March 24. Springtime. Cold, windy, and snow... But this groundhog stew is DELICIOUS!

   Sometimes I wish there was a rollover plan for naps I didn't take when I was a kid

   People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that's called a Turn Signal.

   People say Cookie Monster sets a bad example and contributes to childhood obesity. Cookie Monster says people need to stop using cookie loving puppet as excuse for bad parenting.

   Those miniature bottles of alcohol at the liquor store should be free samples while you shop.

   Thanks to modern medicine, we can stay sexually active way past the age where anyone wants to see us nekkid.

   In what world does a box of macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?

   .... The poor mother was only trying to give her son a chance at a better life ..... Then zookeepers shot his new adoptive parent.

   Not 1 trick or treater last night!!!Thanks to the roll of crime scene tape I got at a yardsale last summer......

   Pro Tip ~~ Do not make popcorn in laundromat dryers.. It really affects the flavor.

   Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.

   As soon as a girl starts to like you, she and her friends have got you on 24 hour surveillance.. They're doing shifts

   Representatives from AOL say that no one from North Korea has dialed in to their service for almost 8 hours now...

   Women claim to not care for looks as much as guys do but I doubt they'll go see Magic Mike or 50 Shades or Gray if it starred Steve Buscemi and Seth Rogan.

   Just once I'd like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.