Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am sooo glad I was young, wild & crazy before there were cell phones & evidence.

   Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

   What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where's Corn Pop?

   99 years ago today, the Titanic chose to hit an iceberg and sink rather than spend another day listening to Celine Dion.

   Got told by my Psychiatrist this morning that I'm both indecisive and a Kleptomaniac. I don't know how to take that.

   We all have that one friend who needs to get laid. Well, at least my friends do.

   I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around in random items.

   every time I come home after being around another dog, mine looks at me like I cheated on him

   I asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date. She turned me down, but keeps calling. I told her I'm too old for games.

   My next house will have no kitchen—just vending machines and a large trash can.

   Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11 and birthday candles. Do your job.

   I know my limits. I don't pay any attention to them, but I know them.

   Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right

   I was making dinner when a pan suddenly caught on fire. I don't know which is worse... the fact that I almost set my kitchen ablaze, or the fact that my first reaction was to move my beer to safety.

   In my lifetime I have learnt that women, who appear quiet, shy and innocent looking in public are actually the biggest freaks behind closed doors.

   WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.

   I don't cut in front of people whenever I'm waiting in long line, that's rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.

   Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could've given her a heads up, but then I wouldn't have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.

   ‎"Give it to me!" she said, "I'm so wet, give it to me right now!" And I replied, “Screw you, it's my umbrella!”

   Just saw a t-shirt that said "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" which translated to "Hey, I've got a small pen!s and a stupid shirt."