Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I failed my Health and Safety class test today. Apparently, when they ask you,"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin' large ones" is not the correct answer.

   brought to you today by the neighbor's router

   Theres no feeling as disgusting as the feeling you get the moment you realize that your finger just went through the toilet paper...

   I bet if I was a hot chick and I left a status that said "I'm brushing my hair". It would get about 50 likes.

   When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"

   Well, I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I am available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

   Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you'll feed him for life. Give a octopus nunchuks and nobody's going to bother those fish again.

   Wouldn’t it be great if people could only get AIDS from being a Politician who screws with the economy and causes a Government Shutdown?

   Sometimes when I wanna be really romantic........ I light a candle when I masturbate

   Ugh. Do I really need to register to your website to leave a comment? I just need to disagree with this assh0le real quick.

   I have come to the conclusion that the dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

   Some people are as useless as the second window at McDonald's.

   I guess taking pics of your food has finally replaced taking your pic in the bathroom mirror? Great, now I get to see that you can't cook OR clean...

   LIKE IF you sign on to Facebook chat & have instantly signed off upon noticing someone online.

   I tried to kill a spider with hairspray. It's still alive but it's hair looks FABULOOOUS

   My wife is taking my kids to go see the nut cracker this weekend. Of course I'm talking about my mother in law not the show.

   Did you know if you watch Twilight backwards, it's still sh!t?

   Have you ever been really thirsty and really bored at the same time? That's how houseplants feel all the time.

   Apparently waking your girlfriend up with oral sex is only romantic if you're the giver.

   Blow Jobs are better than No Jobs - Bill Clinton