Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.

   The south side of Chicago needs a wildfire...

   Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.

   Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.

   Well Easter is almost over, just saw Walmart employees putting up Christmas Decorations......

   Stupid kid fell in the well again. --Lassie, if she were a cat.

   It is amazing how many people have such bad reactions to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   Okay, in case we get caught... lets get our stories straight

   I don't remember anything past "we have 60 minutes to drink this keg."

   My ex offered me a ride to the appointment, I declined and politely told her that I didn't think we would both fit on her broom...

   I wish we could all legally divorce Kim Kardashian......

   I always leave a light on when I'm not home so no one accidentally breaks anything while robbing me.

   Lazy is a strong word. I prefer to say that the stars are reaching for me.

   THREE LAWS OF SCIENCE: 1. IF IT SMELLS BAD IT'S CHEMISTRY 2. IF ITS MUSHY IT'S BIOLOGY 3.IF IT DOESNT WORK ITS PHYSICS

   I have to give a speech next week about the link between anxiety and insomnia, I have been up all night thinking about it.

   HoodTranslations101: "Sh*t just got real" = The situation has escalated to the highest point of seriousness & is no longer a laughin matter

   There is a big difference between hating you and losing respect for you.

   You know you've been friendzoned if a girl adds you as her brother on Facebook.

   If I'm down on my knees, I'm probably not one who's begging.

   Elmer Fudd knew how to deal with a duck face.