Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words 'active' or 'sport' in it's name

   Someone needs to invent a DVR that records dreams.

   I was shopping with my little niece. She asked if we could go to McDonalds. I joked "If you can spell it,we will go there." She then replied "Nevermind. Let's go to KFC instead."

   No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won't be enough.

   Chill, single moms. You don't see us single dads celebrating mother's day!

   How are you going to sue Axe? Wether it attracts women or mosquitos, They are both blood-suckers :)

   My mom always said kill them with kindness, but for you I'm getting my gun!

   When I was a kid people who wore there hat crooked, pants half off, and shoes untied rode the short bus!

   Forget all of those bumper stickers that talk about Honor Roll Students. They are outdated. I want one that says "My kid's in high school and I'm not a grandpa."

   Ever want to click on someones status and edit it for them?

   I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.

   At what age is it approiate to tell my dog he's addopted?

   The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let's go off script. What are you wearing?"

   You can never really say 'what's on your mind' when you have family members on your Facebook.

   Maybe this comment wont be important for you guys here. Some of you will ignore it, most of yall wont bother to read and it'll go unnoticed along with some others. maybe I'll be criticized for this but I just want to let yall know I'm selling potatoes

   They should have an option that says "On the Prowl" for your Relationship Status..." Single "just isn't cutting it .

   Guy: God, how long is a million years to you? God: A minute. Guy: How much is a million dollars to you? God: A penny. Guy: Can I have a penny? God: In a minute

   I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.

   I'm not a Justin Bieber fan, I don't even like the music. But seriously, I'm sick of all the hating. I don't care how the singer looks like. I'm not defending anyone, but didn't your parents teach you to respect women?

   Some see this as a heart < 3. I see it as boobs with a big party hat.