Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

   going to order a load of bubble wrap just to see what it's delivered in.

   79% of accidents happen in the home. Finally, good news for the homeless.

   I've given up jogging for GOOD! I realized it was hazardous to my health after my thighs rubbed together so much my underwear caught on fire!

   #192.168.1.1 I'm only friends with you because you're too stupid to secure your router ;)

   When you and your significant other is having an argument, just take all of your clothes off during the spat and stand there. Something is bound to happen.

   Wife says to husband: "u make love like you decorate." Husband: "How, very slow and like a professional?" Wife:" Nope, I always have to finish the job myself."

   I think it's funny that whoever deleted me from Facebook was so important that I dont know who it is...

   A man's idea of helping with the housework is lifting his legs so you can vacuum...

   this status has been made from 90% recycled status posts. Just doing my part to keep Facebook Clean and clutter Free.

   You post constant status updates about what TV show you're watching and what you're eating for dinner. You're not allowed to whine when people get excited for football once a week.

   A bad Walmart greeting just ruins the whole experience.

   wouldn't mind seeing the cast of "Jersey Shore" stuck in a coal mine for a couple of months. No TV cameras allowed.

   I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile...and how many times.

   I accidentally said “LOL” today. I think I deserve to be shot.

   Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

   I don't care if you don't accept my friend request. Just thought you'd like to see what we say about you on our wall!

   Men... They have 30 year mortgages, 5 year car leases, 2 year cell phone contracts and a lifetime gym membership and then they say they're afraid of commitment!

   if you're going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair.

   Stupid bloody garbage trucks waking me up at noon.