Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

   dear homework, you are not attractive, and I'm so not doing you.

   SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: The amount of Alcohol consumed can directly increase the amount of facebook activity.

   We should handle everything in life like a Dog would... if you can't eat it or play with it then just pee on it and walk away.

   A woman knows she's wearing the right dress, when her man wants to take it off.

   People always demand to know who farted as if they'll decide how disgusted to be based on who's responsible.

   In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat.

   I understand that good things come to those who wait. Might I ask just how long the line is?

   When I was your age I lost my tooth..not my virginity...

   You moon the wrong person at the office as a joke just once, and suddenly you're not "professional" anymore.

   "Paranormal Activity 2" - terrifying tale of suburban home that unexpectedly gets possessed by Bank of America.

   Love how you keep me warm and make me feel safe. Never a scornfull word or negative comment. Always pick me up when I am feeling down. You smell good all the time and are steaming with pleasure.......Coffee, I think I love you........

   This is what I spent all those years learning my ABDs for?

   People say that money can't buy happiness. I say I haven't yet secured sufficient funding to conduct a sound study on this subject.

   Thinks that you people are just lucky that I am so terrified of Prison!!

   The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

   when someone asks you what time it is..glance at your watch and say "it's either 6:15 or mickey has a hard-on." guaranteed they'll ask someone else.

   Just out of curiousity....Does anyone know how to get blood out of clothes??? Better yet, carpet??? Thanks!!!

   What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.

   The Nigerian goalkeeper is refunding money for anybody that was disappointed with their performance at the World Cup. He said, a representative will contact you via email. Please give them your bank account #s and pin information...