Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.

   Got a flannel sweater for the 9th year in a row. Thanks mom! Can't wait to see what I get next year.

   Crying doesn't indicate that you're weak. Since birth, it has been a sign that you're alive.

   says if someone questions your motives for doing something, throw them off by saying "I did it to protect you"

   Allergies: Nature's way of saying, "I know you're not sick, but I want you to feel like you are anyway!"

   During a job interview, when I get asked what my weaknesses are, I always want to say "Beautiful blondes and whiskey."

   Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.

   Dave needs to get more sheep in Farmville! ... Dave needs to get 6 more points to advance in Mafia Wars! ... Dave needs to get a f-kin life!

   There is nothing friendlier than a wet dog.

   Bandaids come in two varieties. The kind that won't stay on and the kind that won't come off.

   learned an important lesson yesterday, Rice Krispies and hangovers do not go good together. First time she ever had to tell a bowl of ceral to shut the f*ck up!!

   have you ever slept so good you couldn't wait to do it again as soon as you woke up?

   Do I consider the cup half empty or half full? Depends on whether I'm emptying it or filling it.

   List of things I've accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List

   Shark Week is over, but I'm not taking down my decorations

   Cell phones ruined pushing people in the pool.

   I find it ironic that the Alzheimer's Association is sponsoring an event called "A Night To Remember".

   has the brains of a horse and is hung like Einstein.

   Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

   Whenever I eat Nerds and Dum Dums, I always follow up with a few packs of Smarties.That way everything evens out. :)