Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there are more important things in life than money. The trouble is, they all cost money.

   Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation

   Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' when parked illegally.

   The thing I miss most about being a kid is having the ability to fall asleep nearly anywhere and it's still socially acceptable.

   As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

   I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...

   You don't know fear until you hear someone cough underneath your bed.

   Yay! I can now afford the iPhone 4!

   My Dr told me to start my exercise program slowly, so today I drove past a store that sells sweatpants..

   Love is.......having sex with someone when you're sober.

   I would never make fun of a fat person at the gym. At least they are trying to do something about it and deserve cheers not jeers.

   Only 10 days until Facebook is stacked with return to the gym statuses and pictures of salads.

   The Price Is Right losing horn should play every time you think you've found a parking space but it's actually filled by a small car or motorcycle

   To all my Friends: I need to be more active & spend less time on the computer, so December 31st will be my last day on Facebook for the year . I will return at the start of the New Year on January 1st. Thank you for understanding, I'll miss you all dearly

   Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since Friday.

   The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.

   My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.

   Why no, stranger, I CAN'T believe how early it gets dark now despite the fact this phenomena has occurred every single year of my existence.

   I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.

   How come know-it-alls don't know how annoying they are?