Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's so annoying when I'm about to take a great photo and somebody calls my camera.

   someone just googled my status and said they knew I couldnt be that funny

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medication bottle and see, "May cause extreme sexiness."

   Sometimes the only way to win is not to play the game.

   I just love waking up in the middle of the night to realize I still have time to sleep before work

   Sometimes I like to masturbate big words into my sentences, even if I don't know what they mean..

   Bleeched blonde hair, fake nails, fake tan, fake eye lashes.. and yet they wonder why they can't find a "real" man.

   1 in 5 relationships now start online. The other 4 will end online.

   Due to the highly confidential nature of my job, I am not allowed to know what I am doing.

   I still think Princess Fiona's wedding with Shrek was better.

   WTF are birds so amped up about at 5:30 in the morning?

   What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant girl all have in common? In each scenario there is a DUMBASS who did not take it out in time

   Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

   Shirley Temple, a wonderful example that making sex tapes, twerking, and going to re-hab are NOT necessary to make it in Hollywood. Classy is ALWAYS in style!!!

   Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn't made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.

   I just got a new Epi-pen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it, for some reason.

   Just found out I got another A in my daughter's science class.

   A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

   I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure...

   A couple who had been together for 25yrs and raised 10 children was asked what the secret to staying together was. The wife replied ''Many years ago we made an agreement that the first one to leave has to take all the children with them!!!''