Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 302 of 6385
Right now, my bracket is like a drunken one-night stand: sloppy but still doable....
Bought a CD of ice cream van music.Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.”
←Rate |
09-24-2010 11:55 by @TeeWuu86
Comments (0)
running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
←Rate |
08-25-2010 16:44 by Hot Tea
Comments (0)
If you're playing with your X-Box all day, she'll break up with you and some dude will be playing with your ex's box all night.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.
Helmet strapped down, crayons sharpened, it's going to be a great day!
←Rate |
01-26-2011 17:36 by Dunno
Comments (0)
Was in hospital waiting room and had sat on a newspaper that was on the chair. This guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" Didn't really know how to respond... So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again...
←Rate |
07-16-2010 12:49 by Tom ...
Comments (0)
Alright, who left the bag of idiots open..
←Rate |
11-10-2010 14:28 by Wolf
Comments (1)
Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets
←Rate |
12-07-2010 12:43
Comments (0)
You know shes a stalker . . . . or a serial killer, if you wake up at 3 'o clock in the morning and shes staring at you. . . in the dark. . . . .and says. . . "You know that I love you right?"
Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.
←Rate |
09-22-2012 11:32 by Daheavy1
Comments (0)
A prostitute just told me she would do anything for $10... guess who just got their car washed!
The only thing worse than the one that got away is the one that won't go away
←Rate |
06-04-2013 18:37
Comments (0)
California leads the nation in Marijuana production and Bigfoot sightings. Coincidence? I think not.
Whenever I see a lone female jogging at night I follow her in my car from a noticable distance because there are a lot of weirdos out there.
←Rate |
12-13-2012 12:50 by Czovczov
Comments (0)
Hey skinny guy having a Greek yogurt and Vitamin Water for lunch. I'd come punch you in the face but I don't want my fries to get cold
←Rate |
04-07-2012 08:31 by flinnie
Comments (0)
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.
←Rate |
07-02-2012 22:08 by BEGO
Comments (0)
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
←Rate |
11-01-2011 23:04 by Aaron
Comments (0)
My mind and my body are starting to strongly disagree about how old I am.