Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man...that is the last time I wash down an Ambien with Nyquil. According to the angry voicemail from my neighbors they were not happy about me dancing naked on my roof singing the ghostbusters theme song in Spanish. I don't even speak Spanish.

   Surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.

   I miss being a kid. My only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot. And someone else was in charge of my hair.

   Always remember that no matter how bad you are, you are not totally useless, you can still be used as a bad example.

   Crazy? I was crazy once. My parents locked me in a round room and told me to sit in the corner. Corner? I couldn't find a corner! That bugged me. Bugs? I hate bugs. They drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once...

   I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet, but only for about 30 seconds.

   I love Halloween. You get free candy without having to get into anyone's van.

   I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.

   So I just bought a retired drug sniffing dog. I think it was a good investment cause he already found 3 bags of weed I misplaced!! Hell yea!!

   I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

   You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.

   When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don't have if they are asking me for advice.

   I can ytpe 300 wrosd pre mnitue.

   gdfdyddhfjhsglqtpgng MACARENA gfsfjkdhkwgjldhlasgjebhhf MACARENA dhshjfdhjfbfjhgnnnnbbnh MACARENA EEEEEEEEHH MACARENA

   At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I'll never know.

   Dear radio stations, you do realize there are more than just 5 songs in the world, right?

   1. Say "Dale!" 2. Mumble 3 Spanish words 3. List 4 cities. You just made a Pitbull song.

   Thank you for pretending not to see me, when I pretended not to see you

   just got my Xmas wishlist back from Santa with a little note attached... It said "LMAO! HELL NO!!!!

   I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here.