Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON'T HANG UP right as they're hanging up... then not answer when they call back.

   America... the only country in the world where not wearing a seatbelt carries a bigger penalty then murdering your own child.

   Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

   Facebook was the most searched term on Google last month. If you need Google to find Facebook, you shouldn't be using the internet.

   If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.

   If your relationship is so complicated that you have to identify it as such on Facebook, you should probably get the hell off Facebook and go fix it.

   met a fairy today who granted me one wish, I want to live forever I said, sorry said the fairy, I am not allowed to grant wishes like that. Fine I said, I want to die when England win the World Cup, 'you crafty b@$t@rd!' said the fairy...

   loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.

   I hate when women say their body is "shaped like a Coke bottle" and fail to mention that bottle is a 3 liter.

   Hey Facebook, thanks for updating the style of your page for the 15th time ... I am really amazed that I get a different segment of the news feed everytime I refresh also. Great job! /endSarcasm

   almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank god the walmart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing

   sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.

   Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I've ever made.

   I am known all over the world for my tendency to exaggerate.

   It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.

   Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic. Cop: There`s no traffic. Me: That`s how far behind I am!

   McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.

   It seems to me like Hoarders and Storage Wars could work something out.

   When I die, I want to be thrown out of a plane over the ocean wearing a superman costume.

   You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says "Drive faster and put me under the seat."