Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Karma is like a rubber-band...it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face!

   I think the only way I'll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I'm in prison.

   When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say "You hit like a bit$h."

   I waited so long to do laundry, that now I'm headed to the Laundromat wearing my Halloween costume….

   I often wonder why there is no step ladder next to the "Ball Washer" at my golf course...

   Just because we share the same skin colour does not follow that I am obliged to always support you in every foolish and idiotic thing you say or do.

   Ok, so it's 2012. Shouldn't we be living like the Jetsons by now?

   Brexit could be followed by Grexit, Departugal, Italeave, Czechout, Oustria, Finish, Slovakout, Latervia, Byegium. Only Remania will stay.

   Go fund me = internet panhandling

   I watched some of the debate last night...I kept on waiting for someone to say "Live from New York it's Saturday Nite"!!!!! But it never happened.....

   Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.

   Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole

   I wish the Dollar Store would sell gas...

   Anyway you can take down the "never on schedule, but always on time." comment

   I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"

   Check this one out.........1

   The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.

   YOU LOOK LIKE I NEED ANOTHER DRINK....

   When a guy calls you hot, he is looking at your body. When a guy calls you pretty, he is looking at your face. When a guy calls you beautiful, he is looking at your heart. All three guys still wanna fuc& you, though.

   When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That's why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.