Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 256 of 6384
If her bra matches her panties when she takes her clothes off, then it wasn't the guy that decided to have sex.
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01-02-2016 13:56
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PRO Halloween money saving tip, put an empty bucket on your front porch with a sign that reads "Take One"
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10-30-2013 10:45 by SEAN
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I'm at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
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01-18-2015 20:41
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North Korea is becoming like that one person on your friends list that always threatens to close their FB account from lack of attention.
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04-04-2015 15:47 by remy911
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The difference between drinking on Saint Patricks Day and drinking on Cinco De Mayo is... ...nobody pretends to be a Mexican.
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05-05-2015 16:36
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Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport
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01-10-2014 05:35 by Huck
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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
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10-10-2014 05:26 by huck
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Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
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08-11-2010 12:56
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Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to...
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
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04-02-2012 17:58 by Aaron
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Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
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06-03-2010 13:18 by Joser
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In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
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09-09-2010 22:52 by Aaron
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If aliens ever land on earth and demand to see our leader, our best chance of survival is to bring them to Lady Gaga.
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08-01-2011 20:24 by Hot Tea
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the blue book value on my car just tripled...I filled the gas tank!
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03-22-2011 22:18 by ff1241
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I had my cell phone ring changed to a loud sneeze. That way, not only do I not offend those around me, they actually bless me whenever anyone calls.
Condoms should change to different colors according to whatever disease they come in contact with.
Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?.....That's as crazy as the low low prices at Dave's Furniture Emporium
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04-19-2012 03:20 by tim
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Alcohol-The best night time:slurring,headache,dehydration,drink spilling, charm killing,so you think you can dance"medicine."
It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels
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01-25-2012 17:30
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If your religion is worth killing for, then do us all a favour and start with yourself.
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09-15-2012 12:01 by Czovczov
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