Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are three gurantees in life. Death, Taxes, and elbow macaroni stays in your cabinet until you move.

   Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd

   When you think your life couldn't be any more pathetic, remember some people have more than 1 Facebook account.

   I'm posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they're making ceramic bowls.

   Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...

   Congrats Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Peace Prize in Medicine. And also for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.....

   That 5 second rule regarding dropped food doesn't mean much when you have a 2 second dog.

   The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

   I start conversations with "As a vegan" when I don't want to be friends with them

   Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I'm still putting butter on them!!

   We all hold our hand out for help in this life. The goal should be to have your palm down more often than up.

   My psychiatrist prescribed me an odd number of pills for my OCD and I'M THE ONE WHO'S CRAZY?!

   On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.

   My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it's ok, it was in my pocket.

   This woman just flipped me off and I couldn't agree more.

   Grab one midget and demand their pot of gold and you get labeled a "public nusance". Anyone could make the same mistake.

   There will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with under-wires that lift and separate.

   All we need to keep us happy - is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done!!!

   I'm HAVING A DINNER party tomorrow,how many boxes of cheerios do I need to feed 8 people ..

   Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.