Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   When people tell me "You're gonna regret that in the morning" I sleep in til noon, because I'm a problem Solver

   It's nice finding people from our past. I'm still trying to find the girl from elementary school that couldn't stop sucking her thumb.

   Let's start a charity where we give cats to people who say goodnight to social networking sites.

   You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?

   Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?

   Some people grunt at the gym; I scream at the top of my lungs THEY KILLED MY FAMILY as I lift weights.

   Some people are wise, Some are just other wise.

   I offend people in a nice way

   Fact: You're not a true vegan unless you tell 10 people every day

   I'm confused. Celebrity comedians are paid millions of dollars... Yet the funniest people on the internet are janitors and stay-at-home moms.

   Trying to decide what I hate more: 1. Mondays or 2. People who complain about how much they hate Mondays

   I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, "Oh. You really can't see, huh?" NO s**t sherlock. You don't see other people taking other people's wheel chairs saying, "Oh. You really can't walk, huh?"

   I work as a waiter and love it when people ask "How do you prepare the chicken?"I always reply "We tell it straight, you gonna die

   Anyone ever looked at some of the people you dated in High School that are now on Facebook and think, "Thank God, I really dodged a bullet on that ONE!?!"

   If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......

   Whenever I choose to go down the stairs next to a crowded escalator, I feel the need to move faster than the escalator to prove to the people on board that I made the better decision.

   I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

   Don't you wonder why people look back at the same spot when they trip over it? As if the sidewalk is going to talk back or laugh at them.

   It is incredibly ironic that the people with the most narrow and closed minds also have the widest and open mouths.

   45. People who call with blocked numbers deserve to not get answered!