Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 191 of 6384
Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
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10-27-2018 07:47
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Sometimes I put my car in neutral at stoplights and roll back a little so people will think I drive a manual...
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11-03-2018 16:14 by Gabe
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All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
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07-20-2020 08:28
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Dear Cupid, Next time hit both.
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09-14-2020 12:53
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the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
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10-02-2020 08:48
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I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year-old.
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10-02-2020 08:53
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They say the average adult has sex 54x a year. So, this should be a heck of a 3 months!
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
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10-05-2020 08:00
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I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
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10-08-2020 17:22
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Thanksgiving is coming...time to set the weigh scale ahead 8 lbs.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
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10-21-2020 06:05
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Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
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10-21-2020 06:07
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“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
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10-21-2020 06:11
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I'm not sure what level we just hit on Jumanji but I vote we just play Candyland next time.
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02-17-2021 21:34
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Every office should have a Parliament mode, when you don't wanna work, start shouting and go home
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01-17-2018 03:23
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Unless he releases a men’s fragrance, I think Elon Musk should be ordered to legally change his name.
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01-19-2018 21:41 by Cicci
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I am now at the age that I understand the joy on game shows when someone wins new kitchen appliances
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01-28-2018 20:35
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My bachelor pad is lacking a sofa now that Mom wants her Caravan’s third row seating back.
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02-01-2018 04:16
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Rumor has it there's a Tesla floating out in space somewhere. Finders keepers!!!
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02-06-2018 18:36
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I'm kinda glad that dinosaurs are extinct cause I'm pretty sure I'd try to ride one after a few beers.
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02-10-2018 05:30
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