Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 168 of 6384
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
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03-07-2012 12:50
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Accidentally wore a red shirt & khaki pants to Target today &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I remember a time when I was overly optimistic about the great things that were to come in the new year. Well...here's to not stepping in dog siht while checking the mail in 2016.
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12-31-2015 15:02 by John Y
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I've always had this fantasy to make love to two women......... Like, in the same year
realized that I'm getting old. 20 years ago all of my friends were on drugs. Now they're all on medication...
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04-06-2012 12:38
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Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything different.
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02-10-2012 07:09 by XX-FOXY
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Some of my "friends" on Facebook need to be reminded that high school is over.
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05-07-2012 21:20 by BEGO
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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I've probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
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03-28-2017 12:23 by Baddie
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You said you love spending time with your children. School Snow Days determined that was a lie.
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02-20-2015 11:00
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Exit Facebook, close laptop, get into bed, unlock phone, check Facebook ....
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12-13-2011 05:24 by g0re
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I really pity whoever is the last man on earth. Most women agree they want nothing to do with that guy.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
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04-16-2015 11:10
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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
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01-21-2017 11:11
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I have to constantly remind myself of the fact that life is too short to waste it on getting mad at idiots
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04-12-2011 23:29 by BEGO
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Dear mom, Please stop telling me not to play with my food. You spent the first 2 years of my life pretending it was an airplane.
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05-30-2011 22:31 by BEGO
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The amount of times I've "apparently" won an ipod an ipad or an iphone while I'm on the internet would put apple out of business!
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07-22-2011 17:32
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I have a talent for only attracting people I have no interest in dating.
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04-14-2012 23:07 by BEGO
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I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
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08-12-2013 10:33 by eengrms
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I went out to the end of my driveway wearing a bathrobe to get the paper and there wasn't a single neighbor around to say hi. Movies lie.
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04-21-2013 01:34
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*Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 95.
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04-13-2013 14:47 by MDS
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