Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's so cold, tonight I got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches...

   Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.

   I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through

   How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

   Based on the speed and incline of the treadmill, the woman next to me at the gym broke up 2 weeks ago

   Want to entertain the kids? Play a game of Duct Duct Tape.

   DUI of the Tiger

   And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they’re all panicked over who’s getting the ax.

   My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.

   [Knock on the door] Police: Police! Open up! Me: What do you want? Police: We just want to talk. Me: How many of you are there? Police: Two. Me: Then talk to each other.

   The eclipse was ok but when are we going to get swarms of locusts?

   Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.

   Misogynistic? So if he hit the golfball into a GUY's head, that would have been ok.

   Don't wait for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make it perfect. Have a great day. :)

   Pepsi is now pulling its sponsorship of the Miami Dolphins, after hearing they prefer Coke!

   My stripper name is... Get off the pole, ma'am, this is Home Depot.

   Yeah tell me again that life is too short when you are on that 8-hr drive in a car full of kids at Thanksgiving

   I cut my finger today while changing the spark plugs in my truck. I guess it is possible to get blood out of a tuneup.

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to "Let me go or I'm calling the police."