Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I open the fridge and stare at the contents for no reason at all, just like I do with Facebook.

   hoping for a Fergie Wardrobe Malfunction Today!!!

   Got a Valentine card in the mail today from my ex who wants me back. Sorry Verizon its not happening. You should try and move on without me.

   5 Things you don't want wake up and to hear during your Surgery: 5)Ok folks,let's dig in 4) Accept this sacrifice oh Great Lucifer 3) Fifi! Come back with that! Bad Dog! 2) Oops! My contact lense! 1) It's ALIIIVE!!

   Since almost 7 billion people live on Earth now, the statement "you're one in a million" really isn't that much of a compliment anymore.

   I'm sure the sale of duck calls to the gay community will be on the decline...

   I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn't like it.

   I'm now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.

   thinks the only reason the Easter bunny hides his eggs is cause he doesn't want anyone to know he screwed a chicken.

   I'm sorry, Talking to you seems as appealing as playing leapfrog with unicorns.

   Any boy can be a dad but only a real man can be a father

   Dear freezer, I get so hard for you. Sincerely Water.

   I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 10 minutes... it's my screen savior.

   My friend asked me if his car's blinker worked. I checked and said: yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.

   The barman says "we don't serve time travellers in here". A time traveller walks into a bar.

   At the mall this weekend.... The angry parents screaming for their son "Marco!!!" did not find it amusing when I kept yelling "POLO!!!" back at them from my dressing room.

   I have taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me...send money.

   Of course money buys happiness! You ever seen a homeless person skip?

   I don't smoke pot. But hang with people who do. They have great snack ideas, and if you're broke, it is a good group to hang out with for a free meal. If all they're stoned, just start talking about pizza, or fried chicken. Snack time!

   I thought I had an STD but the doctor said it was just rust.