Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being too lazy to go grocery shopping is the best diet ever.

   Pro tip: On Canadian Wheel of Fortune,,, ALWAYS buy the letter 'eh'.

   I am one chin away from my goal weight.

   I hate that I liked something on facebook that "you" liked

   When your boss says to make your dreams come true, he probably doesn't mean the one where you push him down the stairs.

   I would much rather answer silly questions than try to fix stupid mistakes.

   Chill ladies. "Hi" is neither a booty call nor a marriage proposal. It's just a greeting...

   Know what's sexy? Everyone…right after I finish my 5th beer.

   Hillary Clinton promises to wear a Chewbecca mask in public to improve her polling numbers.

   Personally, I think Disney World is taking it's Animal Kingdom experience to far.

   If you run into a wall or walk off a cliff while chasing a Pikachu, I'm going to Laughatchu.

   Yesterday was A slight fumble, but I think Melania's really gonna shine in the swimsuit portion of the competition...

   ... In the former USSR they called it Propaganda. In the United States .... They call it news.

   Really hoping Donald Trump wins the 2020 Olympic fencing competition.

   Can't believe how divided we've become over an election. It's not like it's the color of a dress or something.

   News flash for Jack and Jill: You don't go uphill to find water.

   I don't care about a politician's tax returns. I want to see their IQ test results.

   I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she fell asleep.

   Recently I've been reading the book of Jeremiah, because not only was he a bullfrog, he was a good friend of mine as well.

   I've decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing. I really think it will spice up my autobiography.