Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dress for success because getting dressed is the most successful thing I do all day.

   This morning I thought I heard a neighbour blasting that new Skrillex song, but then I realized it was just the garbage truck

   From Kim Jong-un's diary: "Friday the 13th, yeah, that will be a good day to test the rocket".

   Traffic is getting so bad during rush hour that you can change a flat and not lose your place in line.

   I guess my main gifts are in the garage or still at the pet store or something. This is the only rational explanation I can think of.

   i was thinkin about adoption to fill the void in my life, if only I could find someone willing to adopt me..

   n't it ironic that to be popular on social networks, you have to sacrifice your social life.

   If I had money to blow, I would hire two private investigators to follow each other.

   You sacrifice. You fight injustice. You think you're making a difference. Then you find out Snooki has a book deal.

   ‎10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy.

   Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. I never thought I'd hear myself say that.

   If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

   I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

   "Thank You" is such an insignificant phrase, yet we put so much into it. When we say "Thank You" to a vet or active duty officer, what comes out is 2 simple words, but what is meant is a world of un-seen gratitude, hope, peace and safety. No, "Thank You"

   believes they should change the "maybe" response to event invitations to "yep, unless I get a better offer before then".

   People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.

   Every once in a while you should get a check up...on who your real friends are.

   FYI: If someone says "I'm game," you can legally shoot them. You should probably check your state and local hunting regulations though...

   Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.

   "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits"