Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So the house used to film the Jersey Shore is now for rent. Can you imagine what you would see if you went thru there with a UV light? Yes, that's right.... hair gel EVERYWHERE.

   If Facebook isn't a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it

   Why do the guys at Footlocker get so mad when they can't force you to buy socks or extra shoe cleaner.

   Happy 267th birthday, Thomas Jefferson

   if court experience is a must for Obama's Supreme Court selection... I say go with Charlie Sheen

   Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

   My first laptop was an Etch-A-Sketch.

   I just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies...

   Please, write your comments down on the back of a $20 dollar bill and send them to me.

   Dear Oprah, thanks for clarifying you're not a lesbian. We were all wondering...

   The dog keeps licking his butt and staring at me. I don't feel bad for him though. I tried to give him toilet paper and he ate it.

   If you accept a penny for your thoughts, not only are you a philosophical prostitute. You're not a very good one.

   I get really uncomfortable when people ask questions about sex. Like: "Is that it?"

   I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

   If no one likes you, you want to re-evaluate yourself because not everyone can be the problem

   changed his/her relationship status to "None of you damn business"

   decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, and gyrated for over an hour. Unfortunately, by the time I got the leotard ON, the class was over.

   can't really remember, but I think my life must have been a lot more productive before she discovered Facebook...

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enoug

   I want a search engine that will tell me where my keys are.