Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   (Insert insignificant nonsense that nobody else cares about here)

   learnt a valuable lesson today about not putting "PUSH DOOR" stickers onto glass sliding doors, he would also like to wish a speedy recovery to Jill in HR, although the b*tch really did have it coming...

   ..wonders what would happen if she DIDN'T place the microwave popcorn This Side Up..hmmm

   Life has no damn remote....get up and change it yourself!

   My apartment is where weird foreigners go to have a loud conversation right outside of...

   Facebook.........its not a website, its a lifestyle

   I'm kind of amazed that everyone on Mythbusters still has eyebrows.

   Live every week like it's shark week.

   Waitress: "Do you have any questions about the menu?" Me: " Yes, What kind of font is this?"

   I just got the best deal ever on eggs.

   Immediately updating your relationship status on Facebook after a fight for the 10th time this week is annoying, cut it out.

   Keeping secrets can kill you. And let's just keep that between us.

   thinking that school kids are dumb. Whenever they watch a student with a "KICK ME" sticker on their back, they LAUGH, instead of kicking!

   Relationships would be great if it wasn't for all those feelings.

   Lisa Lampanelli Eva Longoria to divorce Tony Parker over text msgs to other woman. Dude you can delete those things! Even O.J. knew to get rid of the knife!

   I think I'm getting the hang of these Facebook games. My mafia farm is doing quite nice.

   if it weren't for the presents and money think about how terrifying it would be to our children that a fat man, a fairy and a giant rabbit break into their houses every year...

   I was listed as "single", and all I got were Facebook singles ads. Now I'm "in a relationship" and I get marriage ads. WTF.

   will wait for Apple to unveil the more powerful version: the maxiPad.

   "Have you ever noticed that Gatorade doesn't work on guys who suck?" --- Charles Barkley