Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sign of the times when you don't take a newspaper or magazine to the bathroom with you anymore. Instead you take your laptop with you.

   Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open.

   don't make me mad, I will find your pictures and post them on peopleofwalmart.com and then see who has the last laugh!!!

   Laundry, my old nemesis…so we meet again. And I see you have brought your sidekick, Dirty Dishes with you. Well played evil villian, well played.

   will most likely go through yet another hump day without doing what the name implies. :-(

   Working with 4 women and married to another, I don't forsee being a polygamist anytime in my future

   Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

   I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them.

   Where's the damn easy button!?!

   Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

   I don't want to lie to your face, so could you do me a huge favor and turn around?

   typing in sick so she will not have a status today

   Fake people are just as bad as fake breasts.....Only reason they exist is to make one feel better about themselves

   wonders what Pat Robertson will blame the Chile earthquake on.

   I feel like the little kid before Christmas... cant wait to get up and see what St. Patty has for me under the keg !

   Must have finally caught "Beiber Fever", Every time I hear about this prick, I wanna puke...

   Snap! Crackle! F*ck!? Did I just put something metal in the microwave?

   thinks that nutritional information should simply tell you the amount of exercise required to burn off whatever it is you're about to consume.

   not stalking you. By the way, you are out of sugar.

   The first thing I do on a computer that doesn't belong to me is go on Craigslist and see if the Casual Encounters link is purple or blue.