Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   nothing in life is free. Everything has a price. Every action has a consequence.

   When Missy Elliot asks if he has a big @#$%, I assume she means refrigerator.

   Every coach I know took 10 years to graduate from college so no, I'm not surprised by the bonehead play call.

   Guess Harrison Ford couldn't make the jump to Light Speed in his World War 2 vintage plane...

   "Hey Sally, selling seashells directly on the seashore is the dumbest effing business idea ever" ~ Sally's friends probably.

   What is the correct punishment for your child when they put the toilet paper roll on for bottom pulling instead of over the top? 1 week grounding? 2 weeks? Need some help here...

   I don't know if curiosity ever really killed any cats, but I once smashed a beer mug on a guy's head for asking my age.

   At the store today I bought some recycled Tiolet paper....question....how did they get it so white?

   I've fallen! And I can't reach my beer!!

   Oh, your in a relationship now? No more ‘LIKES’ for you!

   miley cyrus decided to go back to work instead of twerk

   It's been 25 years and they still aren't sure who framed Roger Rabbit. My alibi is Airtight!

   Horton hears much better after his visit to the otolaryngologist,,, Though he could have done without the "big ears" comment.

   my tooth is pounding like crazy! wheres the tooth fairy when you need her!?

   You can judge me, but you can't change me.

   I'm impressed with how much passive aggression a woman can pack into the letter "k."

   The Super Bowl is going to be cold, Sherman is a thug, Peyton says Omaha. We get it, ESPN.

   My boss insists I need to start using my head, so I wore a cap to work today.

   I am the only one who talks to his dog and then pretends like he is talking back?

   Why don’t blind people like to skydive? It scares the hell out of the dog. How do they know when they are getting close to the ground? The leash goes slack.