Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do we use our blankets as shields at night? Like is the monster gonna be like ” oh crap…..they have a blanket..RRRUUUUNNN!!!!”

   To be or not to be? What a silly question Hamlet... Just let it be,, let it be... J. Macartney

   a cop just knocked on my door and told me my dog was chasing people on bike, My dog doesnt own a bike

   Money spent on shoes cannot buy booze.

   Ok, I wasnt paying Attention this Morning, Did the Darn Easter Bunny See his shadow and do we have 6 more weeks of Winter???

   Karing about Kardashians is Kulturally Kreepy & Kognitively Korrosive.

   What's a girlfriend and how can I download one?

   Nobody likes coming to this gas station anymore because of all the stabbings, but those hardly ever happen before 5pm.

   You can call me the bus driver, because I'm taken everyone to school...

   in A & E after swallowing Lego. They don't seen worried but I'm sh1tting bricks 

   I can't be Levi never tried speech wreck ignition soft wear be four. This is sofa king convene Yenta!

   I love when people hurt your feelings on purpose.. Then yell j/k as they walk away...

   You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.

   I'll admit it, the ring girls are one of the main reasons I watch boxing.

   Wish they had a NuvaRing that would fit in a woman's mouth!! Then we could take it out when we wanted to talk!!

   When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.

   I'm the guy who spits his gum in the urinal.

   Last year I asked Santa to bring me the sexiest person . He sends me a note today "She is your Facebook friend_ you have her already" !

   If sex were a pancake, it would be a very good pancake.

   If my ship ever did come in, with my luck, I am pretty sure it would be named the Titanic!