Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whats the socially acceptable waiting period before you can feel free to fart in the presence of your new lover?

   I wonder what I'm thinking right now...hummm?

   Amazing,,, that all the xmas gifts I bought today were made in china ,,like what are the odds on that ..!!!

   Tomorrow..no lawns will be manicured due to Cinco_de Mayo...not on Sunday or Monday..or rest of the week either...Sorry folks too much Tequila and beer combos.

   there someone making $ off of all this "Liking" on FB?

   Ï believe that upon death,at heavens gate,there are 2 books in which your name need be,the book of life,&the avengers attendance sheet

   :I'm so white I get uncomfortable saying knickers with a hard 'r'.

   Facebook's just not as fulfilling as it never was.

   AIRPORT SECURITY: "Sir do you have any dangerous weapon on your person? ME: Yes, my brain.

   Its strange to think that decades from now, people might be dressing like US for Halloween, like they do for flappers, or hippies.

   Some cool ways to trick a woman into bed include "being kind," "making her feel special" & "showing her respect." They love that shi#t

   Want to surprise you girlfriend? Introduce her to your boyfriend.. :O

   In most conversations, my face is basically a red battery logo with 10% written next to it.

   if an actor in a heat of the moment scene has to say "I will cut your freaking balls off" and the Director shouts "Cut!" what the hell does the actor do?!?

   The teacher asked me what book I read this summer & I said, "Facebook."

   One thing vampire children are taught at a very young age is, never run with a wooden stake

   Maybe I like my dirty mouth.... Orbit... you're NEVER getting in me.

   I attacked that beer like it was a defenceless woman in a carpark.

   I just found spider crawling up my leg. I wanted to kill it but I missed so I cut off my leg instead.

   Does anyone have an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle...in their garage..they no longer want ? Ralphie here is driving me crazy.