Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   X says you know that urge you get to eat something just because its there well that is why I am not a gynecologist

   And Jesus said unto the woman, "Your face alone shall be used as birth control." - Luke 4:14

   If she can still walk after se x to make you a sammich... then you're doing it wrong...

   Wanna make her smile ? Tell her you are hungry and when she replies "What you want to eat" you say "YOU"

   Dear Mother Nature, I know you've been on the rag lately, but who lit the fuse on your tampon?!?!

   I can't afford an iPad so I got an iPatch instead.It's the pirate version ... Aarrrrrgggggghhhhhhh

   How come when your wifes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy & say congratulations! But nobody rubs your balls and says good job!!!!!

   Bad luck last night USA, never mind, you'll do better in the American Football World Cup - oh, wait.......

   When someone you love walks away, they take your entire world with them.

   "Mommy, since I can't have that NIH clinical trial to cure my cancer, as a dying wish, can we go see the Grand Canyon?"

   BREAKING NEWS: The pilot of the missing Malaysian plane was known to go by the name Waldo.

   trying to think of good booger jokes, but it snot working.

   It's annoying that I don't understand all these Call of Duty or Lord of the Rings jokes. Then I remember, I have a girlfriend.

   Have you ever just stopped and thought... "I was once inside my father's balls" ( ._. )

   I don't believe the BS about GMO'S being bad for you ! I just had a leg of Salmon and it was delicious .

   I don't understand why male paedophiles, who likes male children, don't consider themselves gay.

   I tried everything last night to get the baby to sleep.Finally after 5 bottles he went down.He's going to have a bad hangover!!

   You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

   What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

   Pump Up The Volume ιllιιllιlιllιιllιlιllιιllιlιllιιllιlιllιιllιlι