Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have friends that my wife hates. I love those friends the most.

   I will stop drinking when a mute guy tells a deaf guy that a blind guy saw a legless guy walk on water. Get the hint?

   If G0d is all-seeing, why doesn't He ever say, "Hey humans, you look nice today." Is an occasional compliment too much to ask?

   Sorry, Rick Santorum, but you have to carry your dead presidential campaign to full term...

   Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

   Who the fnck do you think you are and why are you breathing?!!

   "1..2..3.. SMILE!"...... "Did you take it yet?" "Damn, it's on video!"

   u don't have to be 15 to be fat & a loser . . . you can be ur age fat & a loser . . . which means i'm probably right . . . just sayin :)

   been drinking since, wait... WHO STOLD MY WATCH???

   had a Black Out last night .........she was a very lovely girl so I asked her out again for next weekend

   White folks are so comfortable with rap music nowadays that we gonn start seein' fanny packs that say "Thug Life".

   I think the bird of love is the dove. My husband thinks it's the Swallow

   Due to sanitary reasons, we will not and cannot accept any money that comes out of bras.

   told my girl her breath smells like al sharptons car seat ....couch tonight....(db)

   There is not a worse feeling in the world than being at the Dentist when he has to use the restroom, you hear the toilet flush, you hear the Lysol spray- You don't hear the hands being washed….

   You dont need superpowers to read my mind all you need is a facebook Or Twitter..Lol

   just smacked someone with a book in the face. When they started getting angry, I just told them that I Facebooked 'em.

   Dear Weather Channel, the mancrush you have on Jim Cantore and his lame storm stories is getting ridiculous...Can I just see my local forecast please?!

   Dear attractive teenage grocery checkout girl, please don't judge me for buying 3 cucumbers, 1 light bulb, a jar of jelly and 2 tubes of KY.

   Charlie Sheen's stand-up material is so bad that CBS wants him back as an actor AND writer on Two & A Half Men