Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having your cake and eating it too is just code for cheating on your diet...or your spouse

   Arkansas is like a pretty bimbo who's a lousy lay. Nice to look at but not very stimulating.

   Breaking up with someone because you told them a joke and they didn't laugh is a good enough reason.

   I have a problem with alcohol. I don't get nearly enough of it.

   I guess that they couldn't 'debug' Grace Hopper this time....

   I don't get angry....I get drunk & plot.

   I'm a problem solver. Tell me your problems and I'll ignore them. Problem solved for me.

   I would watch the movie Lovelace .......but I know it would suck

   "ENGAGEMENT is when a man promises to marry a woman in a few months NOT when a man gives a woman a ring for 5 years, that is WITCHCRAFT!!!"

   I got shrinkage shopping at Five Below

   If you are going to stalk me, at least be cute.

   I'm a connoisseur of bad decisions.

   My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!

   This is the fast lane, folks...and some of us like it here.

   First jokess are in..... Why did the referee forget to ask the teams head or tails before the coin toss?.....stay tune!

   I usually can stay pretty strong . Today is a weaker day...maybe I'm "ovary"acting...

   Who put the oral in immoral?

   If people would just drive the Speed Limit, then I don't have to reach for my gun!

   Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, Dead

   You make me want to stop wearing the same jeans 3 days in a row.