Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who only sleep with one pillow are the real terrorists.

   I'm a lover of music and music has never betrayed me.

   When life hands you pig hooves and horse gums, make hot dogs.

   This cat poop tastes like I'm about to get yelled at. -- Dogs

   Finally!! Mankind gets a message from Mars... *The President reads it to all humanity YOUR FRIGGING ROBOT IS DOING DONUTS ON MY LAWN

   I could be an Olympics commentator because I’m good at pointing and saying, “You can tell she wants it.”

   My favourite yoga position is your legs on my shoulders.

   Nicolas Cage must be hibernating. Thank god.

   I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...

   If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, send them all their stuff they left at your place.

   Kanye West speaks about his recent engagement to Kim Kardashian... "I just can't wait for her to take my First name."

   If all he thinks about is sex, turn on a football game. Now he's thinking about football... And sex...

   Rob Ford is slowly becoming one of the greatest Canadians of all time....

   There aren't female werewolves because it would be unfair if they turned into crazed man-eating creatures of the night twice a month.

   Siri, where are my pants?

   I thought Pluto would have more hair.

   I don't remember how the saying goes, but I think it's Rum before Whiskey, before Vodka, = Heart Palpitations.

   It's 2015, shouldn't we be calling him Middle Age Rock by now?

   Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't"

   I feel kinda like that guy in Nirvana whom nobody really appreciates. Not Kurt Cobain or Dave Grohl, the other one.