Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm almost finished producing my "Tickle Me Emo" doll. When you tickle it... it says "My life sucks," "I need more black hair dye" and..... these pants aren't tight enough. I just need to stop it from cutting the box it comes in, before it's sold.

   Someone who dines in a diner is a diner........... I N C E P T I O N

   When I was a kid, I thought “running for office” meant that you'd have several people lined up for a race and the first one who reached the office won. Might have been better that way, no?

   Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

   Aaron Hernandez will go to prison as tight-end and come out as a wide-receiver.

   My therapist says I'm obsessed with vengence.. Oh yeah? we'll just see about that

   If stupidity was physically painful, some people would be in the I.C.U. right now.

   Coca-Cola contained Coca (cocaine) from 1885 to 1903, today the company uses a 'secret' ingredient to keep it product addictive.

   I believe in love at first sight because… I’ve loved my mum since I opened my eyes!

   Like everbody,, I have an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other... Also, I'm also deaf in one ear... (sigh)

   Peter Parker was lucky that radioactive spider bit his hand and not his a$$ or he'd have shot out a web every time he farted.

   Drunks, kids and skinny jeans are the only ones that tell the truth.

   I would lose weight, but I hate losing

   If an old person talks about their siblings, ask if they're the oldest. No matter what they say, respond "No, I meant oldest in the world?"

   being single does not always mean you're available

   War with North Korea looming. Cast of M*A*S*H have their fingers crossed

   Girls that call guys "dude" are usually lesbians.

   wondering why everyone is so excited about landing a rover on Mars. Did everyone forget that we've been landing junk there (including 2 other rovers) since 1976.

   I'm worried about my friend, he can't stop buying cars... I think he has car owner virus.

   The definition of a Canadian - An unarmed American with Health Insurance!