Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My son just did something so terrible in his diaper that it has shaken my belief in God

   Making my lunch for work sucks ass because I smoked a big joint before going in and I ate everything by 9am.

   I am struck by the ill. Bring me the Quils, both Day and Ny.

   My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners when I hand them my plastic cup of vodka.

   If they take the fighting out of hockey, that's it! I'm still not watching it..

   We all have that one friend with the hot sister everyone wants to get with.

   Holy Sh!t...Did Christina Aguilera get stung by a bee or something

   Got up to watch the sunrise this morning. Orange. Real original nature, thanks for wasting my time.

   Expecting the world to treat you fairly cuz you r a good person is like expecting a bull not to charge you because ur a vegetarian

   Whatever's wrong with me, it's a pleasure.

   I guess it did mean "Discount Double Check" after all

   You can call me many things but never, ever call me a 'scofflaw'. It's a stupid word.

   "Vagisil Wash" is regular soap marketed to really really insecure women.

   Just bought a dream house. Barbie wasn't able to pay the morgage. Sucks to be her!

   I haven't seen San Francisco fight that hard for something and then lose since Prop 8.

   Just walked into the kitchen and a broom fell towards me. I yelled "ah!" and pushed it away. Bring it on ninjas!

   Dreams: are always getting to the best part, and then you wake up.

   They should send retirement statements out in different colored envelopes based on gains and losses. That way I don't have to wait to get pi$$ed off!!

   A Zimbabwean man says a prostitute he hired transformed into a donkey. Sounds like he got himself a real piece of ass.

   Its so cold outside that my neighbor gave me the mitten this morning instead of the finger