Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   yesterdays is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is your gift, live it fully....

   do you realize that a fine is a tax for doing wrong and a tax is a fine for doing well?

   remembers believing that by pressing the Diet "Button" on McDonalds Coke lids would suddenly make the Coke turn into a Diet Coke O_0

   looʇs ɹɐq ʎɯ uo ʞɔɐq ǝɯ ʇnd ǝsɐǝld

   please remember to drive safely, responsibly n a bit slower than how fast your guardian angel can fly

   Earth Day - Keeping Earth cleaning than Uranus...

   Lady in the grocery store, your kid is about 4 years old, don't you think he needs to walk and not have his feet dragging in the stroller?

   Dude you should've seen this bathroom stall, it was like I had to clean up Heroshima before I could drop my Nagasaki.

   You know who's going to take the title between the Celtics & Lakers......Football season that's who.

   I bet you I could stop gambling

   I like to hover my mouse pointer over the "Remove Friend" link - it's like having my very own Tantalus Field.

   My Foot + your teeth + Contact at a high velocity = Awesome

   "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we" George Dubya Bush

   loves knowing she isnt the only one facebooking it up all alone when the rest of the world is cuddling it up.

   thinks that We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.

   When I was beamed up into the Alien craft, the Military and the Aliens warned me that if I had said anything about this, people would think I was crazy. Little do they know that I have earned that reputation all on my own...

   When I was a child I used to say, "When I grow up I want to be a millionaire" Well I grew up and the rest is history, now all I say is, "When I die, I want to go to heaven" Hope that actually happens.

   I think my Nintendo Wii character is depressed from my lack of playing. When I logged on he had a full beard and had a Nickelback shirt on.

   Ron Jeremy has got to be disappointed in the nurses he’s seeing.

   True love is giving your significant other a sip from your beer glass... a real f*cking small sip though... !