Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian and that, people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.

   I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it's not arrived yet

   Of course I'll attend your no alcohol, vegetarian Halloween party tonight. I'll be dressed as the Invisible Man.

   Playboy doesn't show nudes. MTV doesn't play music videos. The Learning Channel makes you dumber. What happened to the world

   Jello is just kool-aid...with a hard on...

   Saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other today. Gives me hope for the future. Or another Rush Hour movie

   100 people get swine flu and everyone wears a mask... 1,000 people get aids and no one wears a condom... Makes you wonder a little...

   remembers when Vampires were Scary, not Sexy...

   The party dont start till I log in.

   In high school I was voted "most likely to succeed". Boy, did I prove those idiots wrong!

   Every day can be Friday if you're really irresponsible.

   I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys then dropped the mic on his left foot and yelled, "F*ck me." What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

   What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.

   Based on how I react when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

   Donald Sterling's girlfriend said she's “going to be president of the United States” one day. Yeah, like we’re going to elect someone who secretly records people’s private phone calls and conversations.

   Girlfriend's parents gave me a Best Buy gift card, which will be turned into a video game that causes me to ignore her for the next 30 days.

   Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."

   The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.

   Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.