Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least,that's what the restraining order says.

   Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

   just took the battery out of the smoke alarm because I think I might do some thinking tonight

   It's not an old movie if you haven't seen it.

   Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then-we elected them.

   Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything

   A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain

   Do I have to enforce bar rules on Facebook? No religion, no politics. I'd rather hear you talk about how you just put your kids down for a nap. Sheez!

   Pirate first aid: If the wound is smaller than your fist, drink rum. If it's larger than your fist, stuff a parrot in it.

   I saw all the Tiger Woods action figures are on clearance; I think they could sell more if it came with a White Trash Barbie

   Baby, I didn't mean it like that... Everybody knows Ho is short for Honey

   Dear Lord, in the past year you have taken my favorite actor, my favorite actress, my favorite singer and favorite salesman. I just wanted to let you know my favorite president is Barack Obama.

   STRESS:- The bodies natural physiological response to restraining oneself from strangling the living s#$t of someone who really deserves it. ahhhh gotta love my job!!! lol

   would never hit an elderly person... but old man winter is really pushing his luck!

   Fish have been fed, crops have been harvested, wars have been won, dice have been rolled so off to bed I go. See all you other addicts tomorrow. Good Night!

   I've got a brand new attitude, and I'm gonna wear it tonight

   LENO GIVER - When someone retires from a legendary television franchise, passes the torch to a worthy successor. Then he gets bored and starts a new show which stinks and then asks for their old job back by firing the successor." He's a leno giver"

   A snowman is the perfect man. He's very well rounded and comes with his own broom. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.......somewhere else please.

   Does power cleaning the whole house in 6 hours qualify for a medal in the Olympics today? just askin'....

   do you realize that a fine is a tax for doing wrong and a tax is a fine for doing well?