Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Darn allergy season.. I'm getting really good at the sneezenpee dance today!

   The weather over here is terrible. Last night I dreamt it actually stopped raining. I love a good dry dream.

   When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.

   Going to go back in time and have sex with all the Golden Girls, and Angela Lansbery.

   Put a diaper on that mouth cuz you talk a lot of crap...

   They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

   I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

   In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

   Wishing all a Happy Easter, and hoping the Easter Bunny craps out a huge chocolate filled egg for you!-)

   I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, they were new to me.

   Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

   Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

   God wisely designed the human body so that we can neither pat our own backs nor kick ourselves too easily.

   Spell SWIMS upside down... this is going to blow your mind!

   When you think all the way back to being sperm, we are all winners.

   Butterflies in the belly and weak knees...The 2 best feeling in the world!

   to quit looking at my status

   "As I said before,I never repeat myself"

   Your chick so easy a caveman can do it! ~t.white~

   a boy walked in on his mom and dad having sex. His dad said "we're making you a brother/sister" the boy replies "do her doggie style, I'd rather have a puppie"