Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

   A baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out.

   If you love to make your own homemade beef jerky, don't get a vanity tag for your vehicle that says "LUV2JERK." People will laugh at you.

   Time's running out if you want a chance at a Christmas / New Year baby.. I'm free for the next couple nights..

   I've managed to avoid around 50 April fools jokes this morning. However, I've now lost my job on the emergency sevices desk.

   I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who was wearing Uggs.

   The fire department does not appreciate being called to come fight an April Fool fire.

   It sucks when I decide something's not too hot for me to bring it across the room without an oven mitt, and finding out halfway there that I was wrong.

   Parents call it "Back Talk" we call it "explaining why their wrong"....

   Drinks only on days that start with "T".. Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Tonday, Tunday, Tednesday and Taturday.

   I'm fairly certain people are out there deliberately driving their cars around slow & aimlessly with the sole purpose of f*cking with me

   The other day I admitted that I saw both The Devil Wears Prada and Nanny Diaries in the same conversation. I should hand my penis right back to my parents.

   typed this status update with his big toe. Today's update was brought to you by Dr. Scholls.

   I feel like such a pansy when something hits my windshield & makes me flinch.

   The FBI warnings before movies on DVD still refer to videotapes. So basically, even the people who are paid to make sure this is on every DVD, don't read it either

   Clay Aiken & Ruben Studdard going on tour together.....unfortunately that isn't a April Fool's joke!!!

   One time a bird dropped some mac & cheese on my windshield. Initially I thought "Are you kidding me?!" but once I understood that this was in fact a magical dinner suggestion from God, all was right with the world once again.

   If you've already hit puberty & feel the need to wear a tiara for your birthday, I hope none of your dreams come true princess.

   f you reach into your pants pocket to get something & it takes more than 5 seconds to get it, you've succeeded at looking like a perverted jackass.

   I wish you could spray on gift wrap.