Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend is having a baby so I went to birthing class with her, and woohoo! I now know how to wrap a doll in a burrito

   not fat, I'm just kidnap resistant.

   i used to think Facebook was made by a woman since it changed appearance and became more complicated so much, but now.. I am positive it is ran by a guy, after all the suggested poking of girls it wants me to do.

   You know you're lonely when your friends on Grand Theft Auto don't even answer the phone.

   You know you're lonely when your friends on Grand Theft Auto don't even answer the phone.

   I am my own worst enemy, and the enemy has really bad gas weaponry.

   I don't know what makes my friend more a loser the fact that I found a Rihanna's cd in his car or the fact that he always likes his own facebook status.

   We have a huge water crisis here! So I'm trying to make the biggest effort that I can to help conserve. With that said, I'm about to take a shower, if any ladies would like to join me then by all means come on in, we must save our precious h2o. HA! =p

   Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

   U can win any argument if you put "technically" before any statement 

   not in a mood to update her status, So let it remain EMPTY.. :P :P

   Some people say I'm too brutally honest. The truth hurts... and I don't carry band-aids.

   Life lesson....never put Preparation H next to the toothpaste in the morning.....YUCK!

   Can someone explain to me why I just bought a pack of Sweet Tarts and a sugar free drink?

   ..just has this way of lighting up a room whenever she walks in. She flips a switch.

   I hope the trend of businesses placing hand sanitizers everywhere soon extends to ATMs.Imagine what germs the slobs who use my ATM are carrying,considering they can't even bother to either take their receipts or throw them in a garbage can 6 inches away

   If Apple bought out ihop no one would ever know..

   according to the color of my pee, I had a great night last night!

   I am my own worst enemy, and the enemy has gas weaponry.

   Falling in love is like jumping off a very tall building. Your brain tells you - it's not a good idea, while your heart tells you - you can fly.