Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When something good happens You drink to celebrate. When something bad happens You drink to forget. When nothing happens You drink because you want something to happen.

   That's what you get from putting a fat girl's ass in your face. That's how you get pink eye

   preparing for school to start and the daily doses of Justin Bieber fever. Years ago it was Britney Spears and, yes, I wanted to hit her one more time. But with Justin...I just want to wrap a Silly Bandz around his hair to get it out of his eyes!

   teach you how to dougie ? how about I teach you how to pull up your pants

   in bed with your hot wife... while your at work kissin your boss's ass....

   planning a night he'll NEVER remember!

   The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

   I think, therefore I thought.

   What a sweet lemonade stand. Your daughter is going be a wonderful bartender when she grows up.

   Kindergarten class reunion? No way, man. Ive put on like, a hundred and fifty pounds since then.

   Are there Middle of Nowhere souvenirs? Because I've been there quite a few times but have nothing to show for it.

   I never take advice, I only give it. So you can call me a hypocrite, but at least I'm not selfish.

   You know who I hate? Vampires. They can't see their reflections, and yet their hair and makeup is always perfect.

   Getting blind drunk off PBR shall now be known as getting a Pabst Smear.

   I'd like to be so rich that my dog has a dog.

   Nothing will get a skinny white girl on the dancefloor quicker than "Baby Got Back."

   I thought you were maybe kinda cute until you took a call on your Bluetooth Douche Detector.

   For decades now, Mario has been collecting coins. He does nothing with that money. Buy the princess a bodyguard or something.

   I never contradict myself. And if you say otherwise, I will agree with you.

   When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.