Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I use to be in great shape until I fell in love... Damn!!!

   ...MOOCH: A scab or freeloader who comes to your house uninvited and overstays his welcome (For more than about 3 days) and proceeds to eat all your food, stink up your bathroom, take all your drugs, drink all your beer, and just generally leech all the b

   TEA BAG: When you wake up to feel something that's warm, soft and fuzzy on your face and you realize that it isn't a puppy.

   It drives me nuts when people say "I could care less" which indicates that you do infact care. But if you "COULDN'T care less" that, my dear friend, is when you really don't give a sh*t.

   When I woke up this morning I wasn't sure what day it was so I checked FB and not only did I get the day but also the weather condition, news headlines, traffic report, and 5 breakfast suggestions. Thank you Facebook friends!

   New rule if you can't spin the price is right wheel all the way around then instead of trying again you go to jail, how exciting would that be?

   Yeah, its nice you wanna tell me about yourself, your life is an open book. But how about we skip to the chapter where we hook up.

   I don't want to know the Daily Recommended Value. I want to know the Daily Maximum Value that I can consume before I get either fat or diabetes.

   I've gotten 3 group and 4 page invitations from you and we've been Facebook friends for 15 minutes. You are not off to a good start.

   it just me, or does everyone have two email addresses? One for normal emails between friends and work, the other for spontaneously registering on random websites.

   Just once on a cooking show I'd like someone to taste-test the completed dish, scrunch up their face and say, "Oh my God, that tastes like sh*t!"

   wondering why do women always open their mouths when they put on mascara?

   "If you work hard all of your dreams will come true." Impossible. My dream is to never work hard.

   I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.

   Beauty is in the eye of the BEER holder !!

   As a social experiment next semester, I'm going to walk up to strangers and follow them.

   I hate being in line behind Brett Favre at Starbucks. He's changed his order 14 times.

   Did a Facebook search for childhood friends. Found out they're still people but DID NOT ADD THEM. That's how you use Facebook. For stalking.

   I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?"

   I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwords?