Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're wearing sweat pants either you just worked out or you've never worked out.

   Just once I'd like to see someone in a movie call bullsh*t when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555.

   Captain Obvious must have been the last superhero name available.

   I'm watching Scarface 'cause I'm gangsta... On VHS 'cause I'm old school.

   Love is like a beach ball at a rock concert. It's fun for the people that get to be a part of it and just plain annoying for everyone else.

   I wouldn't call it a career, it's more of a soul-sucking paycheck making machine.

   When you count, it's called push-ups. When you don't, it's called sex.

   No meal tastes as delicious as the meal that someone else cooks.

   McDonald's is like a one night stand. I crave it. It feels good going down. I completely regret it afterwards.

   The only thing I hate about having a phone is when people call.

   Dear reply-to-all sender, we obviously have a mutual friend here and even though I've never met you, I hate you already.

   Well officer, it wasn't public urination until you started looking at me.

   just b/c a hoe is throwin it at you don't mean you gotta take it. its like boxing, you don't take every punch thrown, dodge that b1tch.

   Having your gf/bf break up with you and saying: We can still be friends. Is like your dog dying and you mom saying: You can still keep it

   Hacking and coughing with this cold. If I hack up a lung can it be sold on the black market?

   OMG! Finding it so hard to study today, all the info just looks like a bunch of letters... Verbal, participle, infinitive, appositive, gerund.... begin, like, love,try, start stop,continue... my brain is over loaded...

   If you are innocent until proven guilty, they why are you arrested and sent to jail before your trial?

   Why do they report power outages on TV?

   Why is everything that goes by water “car”go and everything by land is “ship”ment!

   Why do you sterilize needles for lethal injection?