Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you ever log on to Facebook just to spend 3 hours checking other people's profile just to see their recent activities?

   Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway.

   's school bus was so short, they had to put two fat kids in the back to keep it from tipping forward.

   Uh oh! The first signs of Fall. Cool weather and falling leaves. Hurry! Jump into your nearest relationship, which will end at the first signs of Spring.

   Wondering why The Muppets have large protruding eyes. But then again, I realised that if I had a hand up my bum, my eyes would probably protrude too.

   When I grow up, I want t be a weather man so I can be wrong every day and STILL make the big bucks!

   ben rothlisberger's suspension reduced to 4 games ..he is going to celebrate tonioght at a sorority party!

   Doesn't get jealous when she sees her exes withe someone else, because her parents always told her to give her used toys to the less fortunate

   ‎"W", pronounced "double U", looks like "double V", this is the $hit I think about!!!

   I woke up this morning to find 2 beautiful girls and my husband staring at me. I felt like prey for a brief moment.

   I wish I had one of those Looney Toon Hammers to snooze my freaking alarm clock... Shut The F!#$ Up!!!

   addicted to counseling, I need counseling

   if ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

   I just saw a commercial for Oprah's Farewell Season. I think I may jump for joy!!

   When I am sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead

   Memo to my coworkers: It is Friday afternoon, and I have some serious web browsing and personal emailing to take care of, so please refrain from walking behind my cubicle. Thank you.

   I really think iPhone owners fake not knowing stuff just so they can bust out their phones to look it up.

   Since it's so hard to find new blades, I had to look at getting a new razor. But after looking at the names I'm a little confused: the Mach 4, the Hydro, the Fusion, the Nitro... Am I buying a shaver or a f*cking jetpack?

   If I come into work really early, each time I say "Hi" to whoever is there all I'm really doing is gathering witnesses to justify my early departure.

   People say I have an obsessive personality, but after thousands of hours of research spanning nearly a decade, I can find no conclusive evidence supporting this.